“Stagnant”, “stuck”, and “monotonous” are words often heard if one is in a long term relationship. Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows, but drifting in in the ebb is not where you want to be. Spoiler alert: work needs to be put in from both partners to keep the excitement alive.
Long-term ebb feels like you are so used to each other that your relationship is on auto-pilot. I guess you could say that everything is just predictable and habits or patterns are formed that really dampen the spontaneity in the relationship.
Are you stuck in awkward silences and have another date night dread with nothing to say to each other? You need to figure out if it is the spice and the emotional connection that needs to be re-ignited or if the pheromones left the building.
“A complete absence of fun in your relationship can be reflected by your tendency to focus on the monotony of your relationship. Normally, routine and structure are beneficial”, says Dr Binita Amin, a clinical psychologist. But, she says, “If we are struggling to find things to look forward to as a couple, or wishing back to the ‘good old days,’ it might be time to re-examine the script.”
All change starts with self and knowing who you are and what you want. However, sometimes circumstances leave you with little choice and making it work is the only way. PS: it must be a healthy relationship in this case.
With that said, my first suggestion to be introspective: focus on you, how do you feel and if the love in the relationship is worth the fight. If it is, then let’s get to exploring who you are and how you could ignite the fire in you.
For the purposes of this article I will stick to the archetype 3 phases every woman goes through the Innocent, Nurturer and The Sage in life to best explore where you are right now in this relationship series.
You are in a relationship that is not decades old and you are on the fence about the relationship, not quite sure what to do next, leave or stay?
Practicing mindfulness is a great starting point. Sharpen your focus and zone in on your emotions. Be mindful of when you see your partner after a long day, when your partner speaks to you, texts you and smiles at you, how does it make you feel?
These should give you a good indicator as to how much you want to fight for this. If you feel it’s worth it, spice things up by sending unexpected flirty and slightly provocative texts.
I know you rolling your eyes and thinking where do you even start. You are thinking, “Will you say the wrong thing? Will you come off as cheesy? Will you be misinterpreted?” Admittedly, flirting over text message can be harder than a one-on-one conversation, but it sets a great foundation to increase the heat.
The aim is not to make you look like a fool, but rather to jolt your partner into action.
If it is physical action that you need, try these:
- It’s impossible to get any work done today because I can’t stop thinking about you.
- You’re going to love the outfit I want to wear tonight.
- If you send me a sexy selfie, I might send one back.
- If you kiss my neck, I’ll do anything you say. Knowledge is power, so use it wisely.
- This text entitles you to one kiss on the body part of your choice. Choose wisely…
- Hey! Stop thinking about me so much! There was a reason why I didn’t wear panties today!
If it is an emotional connection that you need, try these:
- Thinking about that funny story you told me when we were at (a specific place or time) I need a laugh today! I need to hear it again.
- That childhood story you told me about (fill in a summary version) got me thinking how connected I felt to you in that moment. I would like to create more of those moments…got a story to tell you.
- Let’s cook something exotic tonight, can’t wait to hear about your day.
New relationships bring two people with their own ideals and history of interests together, and while it is fun to introduce and be introduced to each other’s passions, finding a new hobby together can be a fulfilling experience and help grow the fundamentals of your relationship. My partner and I discovered a new interest in plants – while I have cultivated a love of indoor plants, he has started a vegetable garden and together we spend time researching, growing and collecting new species. Having no prior experience in this shared hobby, it feels like a shared adventure that we can both take pride in.
While sharing time with your partner is good fun, especially in the beginning as you get to know each other, it is also worthwhile setting boundaries that allow each of you to have your own time and space, so that you are not dependant on each other for life’s excitements – this can be the death of spontaneity, with familiarity being gained too fast. Keeping the mystery alive as long as possibly keeps your relationship feeling fresh. No one wants to be 6 months into a relationship and already arguing about mundane domesticity. I still want to discover which Spotify playlists have my partner dancing around the kitchen on a Sunday morning, not bickering who’s turn it is to do the dishes.
Give it a try you might learn volumes about yourself and your partner and ignite the fire in you and your relationship.
We will continue the exploration of the three women archetypes in a relationship in our next article. Follow our page so you don’t miss out!